Monday was a bad day. Mentally and physically.
I mentioned that I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately. I've known for a long time that I'm not the type of person that is cut out for working in a cubicle day after day, plugging away for someone else, just for good pay and benefits. I mean, that's what I've been doing for the past 12 years since I've been out of high school, but that doesn't mean that I've necessarily been happy about it. I've done it because that's what I was told I was supposed to do. Get good grades in school, go to college (preferably for something "worthwhile"), get a full-time job, get good benefits, go to work every day. You're not supposed to like it, but that's what life is about. Make more money, buy the bigger house, if you can't afford a nice one, get a fixer-upper and work on that for years at a time, sell it, do it all over again, only with a bigger and slightly more expensive house. Oh yeah, you're supposed to get married and have kids while doing this too.
This does not sound appealing to me. I've rebelled a little against this so called "status quo", but without a whole lot of courage. I went to college, but studied Fine Art instead of nursing or teaching or business, or whatever else I "should" have. I got married but haven't had kids yet. We bought the house, but haven't upgraded, even though we could technically afford something bigger and fancier.
I've always been afraid, it's the only way I've ever known, but lately, something inside me is cracking. I'm not generally a person who gets depressed, but every day it gets just a little harder to get up and go in to do a job that I have no desire to do, no passion for. Sure, I do a good job, but with no joy. I have to do something else. Soon.
So what now? Where do I go from here? I've been obsessively reading blogs of passionate individuals, doing what they love to do, and while it inspires me, I'm still terrified. I can't just up and quit my job, we need the benefits, the money, the security. My husband is self employed, it's stupid to think of not staying here, where I have a good job making good money (I just got another raise) with decent benefits. I'm at a point where I don't know what I want to do, but I know it's not this.
My husband has always said, that the happiest people do more for others than they do for themselves. I'll be the first to admit that we don't live by this enough. But, every time we travel, it gives us more and more perspective on it. The kindness and generosity of strangers and people who have a fraction of what we have (not just us, everyone) in this country, is incredibly overwhelming and emotional. Every time we come back from vacation, it feels a little more wrong to keep doing the same thing.
I want to do more, I NEED to do more. I just don't know where to start.